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i should be sleeping…

it so bizarre to see that the last time i posted was january.
on that day when the cameras came to film our rehearsal.
in many ways thats right when the madness began.
i can’t describe here what has happened between then and now.
but thank god i’ve been taking notes.
one day i will write it all down.
Heidi said all this we are going through now is probably best
looked back on rather than experienced. Because there is no way we can
possibly grasp it all in real time. That is the wisest thing that anyone has ever said
about what we’re going through. Most people say: “enjoy it while it’s happening.”
That’s bullshit. I guess when you sky dive for the 80th time you probably can “enjoy it while its happening.”
But the first 79 times i’d just be thinking: “whoa shit, i’m skydiving. I’m crazy.”
i’ve been operating under the radar for my entire career.
and enjoying it.
i’ve never tried to write a top 40 melody or carve out a lyric
that i thought would be easy for lots of people to understand.
i’ve always tried to write only what i would like to hear.
not what i thought you wanted to hear.
i wanted to write the song that nobody else was writing.
i never thought goodness or greatness had anything to do with mass appeal.
which is why it’s so lost twilight zone episode #527 that i am now, after 30 years of
being underground and loving it, now living in a world (albeit temporarily) where mass appeal
is the name of the game.
i’m not comfortable with it.
don’t get me wrong:
when we (band/actors) are doing our thing: creating in real time, grooving, communing,
stretching and connecting i feel like broadway is a really cool job.
but when we are doing all of the above
and not getting back that call and response love
that comes so easily in the club
i, because i am not an actor, can sometimes get a little testy.
my punk rock club-rat instinct comes out
and it can be somewhat unsightly
as such behavior is decidely inappropriate for broadway
and has nothing to do with the great white way
entertainer’s credo that seems to be
“please love me, i am desperately trying to entertain you
as i look skyward and sing mock sincerely
like some pathetic dork that you’d run screaming from after 2 minutes
if they behaved like this in real life…”
the weird thing here is that we are not pretending to play
rock music nor are we pretending to be rock musicians:
we really are rock musicians.
and that means sometimes the aggression that comes with playing that music
and being that real person has to come out. And sometimes it feels as absurd as being
a Shakesperean actor going into CBGS and saying: “ok everybody, shut the fuck up while i
rock some Hamlet monologues.” Actually, come to think of it, i’ve known some rock audiences that were
cool enough to handle that. If it was mixed with the appropriate amount of bass.
tonight i got aggressive at the end of the show because i felt the crowd was unresponsive and kinda dead
throughout the entire show. But afterwards every single person who came backstage or who i met
waiting outside said that the crowd was actually quite stunned and moved and that they were just taking it
all in. And there is alot to take in. There’s about a million more things to take in in this play than in your
average broadway musical. All the musicals i’ve seen are pretty simple. I don’t mean that as a diss. I just mean you could understand them even if you were deaf and couldn’t read lips. But my point is I ended up feeling bad about having gotten so pissy once I learned that the crowd actually dug the show. I guess the standing ovation should have been a tip off.

performing in a rock club is like making love: you know how good yer doing every second.
but if a lover responds to your kissing like a cold fish but then afterwards
gives you a standing ovation, what does that mean? I guess they could say “There was alot
to take in.”